Reflected

So this post has evolved over a stretch of time, and I am sure its content could continually develop in different directions as the days pass. Once again, please understand this is a journey and my observations only. My intent is to share with those that may, or may not yet, be facing struggles in loss and provide my insight on living through one day at a time.

Any loss can send us reeling, in a constant state of questioning and most certainly lamenting over what is no longer present. When things happen unexpectedly it introduces an additional layer of what can be exhausting grief.

That additional layer becomes even more complicated when loss is experienced as the result of someone choosing to end their own life here in this world.

When a loved one makes the choice to leave, it seems that they leave behind the things that they carried… leaving those that were closest to them the weight to carry. It’s as if the anguish that they felt was immediately reflected onto our lives, a mirror image. The long sleepless nights. The longing for a happy day. A yearning for someone that understands. Need for hope that one day things will get better. A deep desire for a change in circumstances. A weary need for a revelation that will provide guidance in the darkness.

Please don’t misunderstand me here – they also leave us with an unbreakable bond of love, precious memories, music that stirs recollections of good times, remembrance of particular days just by a familiar scent or smell and so many other things that will forever be treasured.

As I navigate all of the weight of complicated grief, I have plenty of time to contemplate the big picture. I have come to wonder of things greater than those that only appear at the surface level of this reflection.

What if… In the finality of their life on this side of heaven they left us with the only gifts they had left to give, in some transcendental way, providing things that only they could give to the ones they held dear.

They are certainly things that I would exchange in an instant for a chance to reverse time, but nevertheless, they have been given and I believe they should be honored and held in the highest regard. A deeper level of compassion and sympathy. Eyes wide open for opportunities to make a difference. A vehement craving for more spiritual understanding and connection. Robust courage to step out each day in faith. A life steeped in the search for joy in all things big and small. Diminished fear of what lies ahead when this life has ended. Appreciation for time, knowing it can’t be recovered.

These things continue to remind me that God is sovereign over all of it and I continue to learn how He sees us, His children. When the world tells us that it’s an impossible situation, the unchanging love that He extends to us no matter our choices reminds me that there is always redemption. We have been given an Advocate for ALL of our days, even on the days when the reflection we see isn’t what we would choose, He is still there.